By: Michael Youngblood, Co-founder & CEO, Unsettled.
What Are The Situationships We See At Unsettled?
Sure, we’ve seen a few situationships on our retreats (this isn’t a gossip blog so not what this is about). Situationships are more than romantic plot twists.
First, let’s define it: I view a situationship as an ambiguous entanglement. Think of it like getting lost in a maze without a map—fun, confusing, and with low clarity on where it’s going or how you’ll get out.
But who says situationships are limited to dating? I think it’s quite an effective metaphor to getting clarity on a how to build a healthy relationship with yourself, and there’s a lot I’ve learned about this from the people I’ve met at Unsettled.
Consistency Is Sexy
In psychology, one key indicator of mental health is consistency—having stable traits and emotional balance, especially when life sucks. Having an even keel personality, or what the Big Five Personality Model calls low neuroticism. Basically, the ability to ride the waves without capsizing in them. Ask your therapist if they think consistency is sexy.
Where does this consistency come from? Attachment styles, early adversity (or lack thereof), supportive relationships, and problem-solving skills all inform a personality’s consistent states. To be sure, it’s normal and healthy to be affected by moods and get down.
But in simple terms:
People who are thriving aren’t stuck in a situationship with themselves.
But Aren’t Situationships About Embracing Uncertainty?
At Unsettled, when we talk about “embracing the unknown,” we mean welcoming uncertainty—especially the kind that comes from external chaos—without letting it shake your core. A consistent relationship with yourself is what makes it possible to face high doses of uncertainty and not lose your mind.
Over the years, we’ve had 3,000+ people join Unsettled experiences. And there’s always a group that stands out to my interest as a pseudo-pshcyologist—people who’ve faced real adversity: poverty, abusive households, trauma, and yet there they are, ready to embrace the unknown and handle uncertainty so well.
Make no mistake: they are not in a situationship with themselves.
They know who they are, what they want, and why they’re chasing certain goals. Do they always love themselves? Maybe not. But they know themselves. They’re predictable to themselves. And that’s powerful.
I’ll be honest: my relationship with myself hasn’t always been a steady cruise. Working at Unsettled, and in the decades before, I’ve hit phases of self-doubt, low motivation, and an occasional dip into temporary depression. No doubt, there were times it felt like I had a situationship with myself.
But overall, I’m a pretty even-keeled person. I know my values, I have a lot of clear direction, and I’ve done the work to build a stable relationship with myself. That’s not to say it’s been a straight line. Like any relationship, it evolves. That’s normal. That’s healthy.
The opposite of a situationship with self doesn’t mean you have to go and marry yourself at Burning Man next year. That’d feel narcissistic to me, and even a situationship is better than that. The opposite of a situationship is stability and a consistent story we hold about ourselves, especially in the face of uncertainty.
Maybe it’s time to think of the “situationship” as a way we view our relationship with ourselves. Or even a warning light for your own life. Get to know yourself. Build that consistent and stable relationship with yourself. Get to know your values and direction. Know the difference between your needs and wants, and when you can have them both.
Because let’s be real—you’re better than a situationship. With anyone. Including yourself.
Unsettled is a global community for those who live and work differently.
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